Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: Recognizing True Kindness
Caring for others and people-pleasing often coexist, but they represent fundamentally different motivations. Genuine kindness involves a sincere desire to support and uplift others, rooted in emotional resonance—the ability to recognize, understand, and respond to emotions. This includes sympathy (acknowledging someone’s pain), empathy (strongly feeling their emotions), and compassion (taking action to help).
People-pleasing is the habit of constantly seeking approval by putting others' needs before your own, often at the cost of your own well-being. It stems from a deep-seated fear of rejection and a belief that acceptance and love are contingent on always saying yes.
Losing Myself in the Act of Giving
Some of my most profound connections have been shaped by my ability to understand others. I became the person people turned to in their darkest moments, always offering a safe space.
I believed love had to be earned through my actions—that if I didn’t give everything, I wouldn’t be worthy of affection. This mindset led me to overextend myself, tying my value to how much I could do for others.
Despite my genuine efforts to connect, my insecurities made me believe no one would love me for who I truly was. I molded myself to fit into others' lives, losing sight of my own desires and identity. Over time, I felt overlooked—the person who was always present in times of struggle but forgotten in moments of joy. I had unknowingly taught others to take me for granted. My typical response became, “Let’s focus on you; don’t worry about me—we can talk about it later.” If I didn’t prioritize my own needs, how could I expect others to?
Recognizing People-Pleasing
For years, I didn’t see the difference between kindness and people-pleasing. I gave endlessly, hoping to be valued in return. While not everyone left, the ones who did, left me deeply hurt, reinforcing my sense of inadequacy and making me try even harder.
So, why did it hurt? Here’s why: Pure generosity is given freely—without expectation—while people-pleasing involves conditions. It becomes a subconscious exchange: “I will take care of you, and in return, I hope you will stay.” This behavior isn’t manipulation; rather, it’s a survival instinct driven by the fear of abandonment. I now understand that I was giving not from a secure heart, but from a void within me—a desperate attempt to fill my own emptiness by pouring into others.
Finding My True Self
During one of my therapy sessions, my therapist asked me a simple question: If you weren’t constantly giving, would you still feel worthy of love? That question shook me. It made me see how my past shaped my need for validation through over-giving. I had spent years believing that just being me wasn’t enough. But that belief wasn’t mine to carry anymore.
Letting go wasn’t easy. Giving had been my lifelong way of coping with the fear of being alone. It felt safe, familiar. Changing it meant risking people walking away, and that terrified me. But I knew I had to break free.
So, I started small—pausing before saying yes, setting gentle but firm boundaries, and sitting with the discomfort of not always being needed. My therapist helped me see that honoring my own needs wasn’t selfish—it was necessary.
The more I embraced this, the more I understood: real kindness doesn’t come from needing to be needed. It comes from love and security—both for others and for myself. And love like that isn’t something I have to chase.
Reclaiming My Energy: Giving with Awareness and Self-Worth
As I reclaimed my energy, I reconnected with the parts of myself I had long ignored—my voice, my dreams, my true desires. I realized that those who genuinely cared about me never needed me to prove my worth through self-sacrifice. Instead of seeking validation through over-giving, I learned to give in a way that felt natural and fulfilling. True connection isn’t about losing myself—it’s about showing up as I am, without fear.
Now, before I extend myself to others, I pause and ask:
Am I giving from love or from fear?
Do I expect something in return?
Am I abandoning myself in the process?
If my giving is tied to the hope of being needed, loved, or kept, I take a step back to reevaluate my intentions. I still lead with kindness—but now, it includes me too.
An Invitation to Balance
I invite you to embrace this journey of self-discovery. Allow yourself the grace to make mistakes, knowing that growth comes from reflection, not perfection. Giving importance to your well-being doesn’t mean you care less for others; it simply means you value yourself, too.
When we care for ourselves as much as we care for others, we foster authentic relationships built on mutual respect, understanding, and emotional balance. True kindness doesn’t require losing ourselves—it comes from being whole within. We can be kind and caring without sacrificing our own identity, allowing us to shine brightly for both ourselves and others.
As you cultivate the spirit of giving, let it nurture both your heart and soul. Together, we can create a world where kindness flourishes—not at the expense of our peace, but as a reflection of our wholeness.
